Improved Email

To: T. Leoni, Manager, Personnel Department,
From: Donald Pryzbo, Manager, Data Processing Department
Subject: Incorrect Payroll Checks


Dear Mr. Leoni,

I went over the computer files again and I am sure these errors came from your department.

I am simply writing you to see if we can come up some way to eliminate these errors from occurring any longer. I know we discussed that my computer operators would start comparing against the time sheets but I believe we can fix this mistake before it enters my department.

I appreciate your time on this matter and hopefully we will have it resolved soon.

Thank You,
Donald Pryzblo, Manager, Data Processing Department


I changed a lot of things in the email. First off, I corrected the subject line by only capitalizing the first letter of each word because it was incorrectly laid out. Then I added the heading Dear Mr. Leoni, once I established to whom I was writing too. I fixed the body of the email. The email was written for the writer and not for the reader. What I mean is the writer wrote it in way in which the reader is simply going to delete the email. When you are writing a business email you do not want to make the reader mad. You want him or her to be persuaded towards what you are writing. Coming out and attacking the reader will not resolve anything. Attacking the reader and being a lunatic is just going to up badly. So I corrected the body of the email to make the reader sound perceptional. When writing makes sure that it is not something you will regret sending. After I corrected the body of the email, I made him sound more like a business man. Then I closed the email by saying “I appreciate your time on this matter and hopefully we will have it resolved soon”. I ended it like this to let the reader know that I was only wanting to help and resolve the problem. By closing it how I did, I believe the email would have a stronger impact. Lastly, I ended the email with a kind sentiment and the name the writer.